I believe New Year’s resolutions are about as successful as finding love on the Bachelor- good luck farmer boy! If “He’s Just Not That Into You” taught me anything, it’s that we’re a bunch of hopefuls clinging to the exception when we are simply the rule. That is not to say I do not find myself exceptional in some areas- I'm something of a legend in the kitchen. Regardless, follow through when there isn’t a grade or paycheck on the line, can prove difficult for me. Just ask the empty drawing pad in my closet or this blog.
I find I need to recommit myself daily, if not hourly, to whatever new habit/lifestyle/mantra I’ve decided to live by. This can be challenging when I wake up in the morning to 5 beautiful Candy Crush lives. How do I train myself to check in in a world full of distractions?
Despite my sour attitude toward resolutions, I still find myself reflecting as one year surrenders to the next. Wasn’t I going to be somebody by now? Recently, thanks to my wonderful husband, I am more aware of how incredibly hard I am on myself. If you desire to shed light in areas of opportunity you convinced yourself you didn’t have— Get married. If you want to feel loved through the process of said exposure— marry someone who understands grace. Now back to what I was saying. For years I’ve viewed my tough opinions towards myself as a strength. “In order to catalyze change one must feel conviction!” I imagine my subconscious screaming these words at me via megaphone while I run across a bed of needles. I thought I was giving myself the push to move forward. Tough love. But tough love is, in fact, still love. I forgot that factor at some point. My method of self motivation became self deprecation. The voice inside of me stopped saying “you can be something, keep going, you got this” and started whispering “you’re behind, you’ll never catch up, you’re not good enough, you’re lazy, fat, insecure…”
STOP.
If you too encounter this evil and are in search of methods to combat it, please refer to Amy Poehler's new book “Yes, Please.” I cannot recall the chapter in which she addresses the demon and I’ve currently loaned out my copy, but the whole book is good. So read it.
Anyways, contrary to my belief that this recognition of “weakness” catalyzes change, the negativity of the evil one actually creates paralysis. I’ve been stopping myself up for years. Where’s the Ex-lax?! If only it were that easy. How do I erase the bully I’ve spent years creating? Franken-jerk, I’ve put so much time and energy into you!! I can’t remove myself from this abusive relationship. If I change my number, so does she. Thanks to Amy’s input I’m convinced she will never truly disappear, she’ll always be lurking in the shadows. But it is possible to beat her into submission. So, I’m working on it. I’m talking nice to myself. Or as Ms. Poehler puts it “Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works.” Seriously, go read her book- it’s good. Well, that’s about as close to a resolution as I can give. I will attempt each morning to postpone crushing candy for 5 minutes so I can tell myself, “You is kind, you is smart, you is important.”
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