Herstory: Give Her A Choice

I keep coming across trending article bashing women for choosing to get married and start a family. I’m sure you’ve come across these rants urging women to bake cakes instead of getting engaged and attacking women for having children instead of a career. I do not wish to give these articles any more publicity than they’ve already accumulated. However, they have succeeded in getting a rise and reaction out of me. More than angry at their close-minded views, I am sad by their inability to see beyond their current frame of reference. While they believe they are breaking the cookie cutter mold of what a woman “should be”, they are instead, confining women to a new, equally constricting mold. 

In one article, Amy Glass, after calling motherhood easy, states that getting married and having kids is the “the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world.They are by definition, average.” She then asks the profound question “... why on earth are we settling for average?” How dare women have children now that feminism has taken root?! There should be no baby making!! Then the world will end with women on top- I’m not sure that’s allowed in an anti-procreation society. But at least we’d finally succeed in Going Green: no people=no environmental issues. 

Now, I must be very clear. I think it’s badass if a woman is passionate about her career and wants to be THE WOman. I do not tolerate anyone unjustly prohibiting women from their dreams. Anyone determined to grow and develop themselves, as well as others, is nothing short of amazing. That being said, a woman that makes raising children her career is both elevating and developing people, like any CEO of corporate America. She simply does it within her own home. And, guess what? She doesn’t get to shut down her computer and leave her office at the end of the day. It’s a 24/7 gig. AKA, she’s pretty badass herself. Then there’s the woman that balances a career and children... don’t even get me started on that hero. 

Unfortunately, the women writing these article don’t realize how they negatively affect the cause they so desperately fight for. During my undergrad, I took a Black History course and read an article (that I cannot locate for the life of me) by an insightful black woman on racism. Years ahead of her time, she recognized that it was not only the white man’s view of the black man that held him back from equality, but also the black man’s desire to embody white culture that enabled the division. Basically, she witnessed a black culture that was desperate to conform to white culture, instead of recognizing that their own culture could breed success. Subconsciously, the black man believed himself inferior and ruined his chances of gaining equality. The same is true for sexism.

If we continue to believe that the success defined by male culture is considered superior to the hardworking culture of housewives- we are fueling sexism. This does not mean women shouldn’t have careers outside of the home. Rather, business women and housewives deserve equal respect (all people deserve equal respect, but we’re trying to keep this to one manageable blog post people). An office on the top floor of the tallest building should not be the only quantification of success. Instead of solely praising enormous wealth and reputation (two thing that plague Leo in Wolf of Wall Street), we should find another measuring stick. Success should be defined by the right questions: 

Does your job make you happy? Are you growing? Are you developing others? Is there a source of balance and fulfillment in your life? 

These questions are much more important than the number of zeros on a paycheck or the title engraved on a gold plaque. It doesn’t matter whether a woman spends her days directing the air traffic control for the entire nation or helping her kindergartner with his/her first homework assignment, a real women can be successful in any circumstance she chooses. 

Give her that choice. Make herstory.

Don't Judge A Person By Their Polaroid

I moved out to Seattle in May and, despite my constant exposure to change, I am not immune to the transition associated with it. We all adapt differently to change and I am beginning to recognize my own challenges in making a new place feel like home.

Recently, Richard, the head pastor at Bethany Community Church, stated that “intimacy is not microwaveable.” We cannot expedite our way into deep meaningful relationships by popping it in the microwave for two and a half minutes. It takes time, patience, and a lot of effort to create genuine lasting friendships. That was very hard for me to accept, as a woman who craves constant change. But as I let the idea marinate, I recognized the truth behind his words and found, in my own life, where I struggle to form intimate bonds.

When I first meet people, I see them as 2 dimensional. The facts I associate with them- their name (if I can remember it), occupation, home state, hobbies etc., become the only truths about them. Unfortunately, more times than not, these surface details leave a flat and relatively uninteresting impression. I forget to leave room for their character to reveal itself. As a writer and a people person, this revelation is nothing short of horrifying. Also, it confirms the origin of my least favorite habit.

I have an irrational need to spill my own soul to strangers and mere acquaintances. I want them to see my depth immediately for fear of dismissal or disinterest. I don’t want them to do to me, what I often do to others. In the process, I share too much, leaving myself vulnerable and exposed to those who didn’t earn my trust. Basically, I try very hard to microwave my own intimacy... always unsuccessfully. 

Fortunately, my 2D view is never permanent and always develops into something positive. Slowly (the way intimacy is meant to happen) I start to peel away the surface and delve into good stuff. My initial paper-thin perception starts to expand and gain width. This newfound girth creates understanding and compassion- revealed complexities leave little room for annoyance or judgement and make space for unconditional love. The 2D often captures an unflattering snapshot of a person, while the 3D allows us to dismiss the initial negative and reveal the infinite intricacies of human beings. Despite my awareness of this, I still find myself extremely surprised every time I encounter contradictions to my first impression. It’s like getting exactly what I wanted on Christmas morning without even asking. I love it. However, I do not approve of the instantaneous judgement that precedes it. So this week, I have turned my critical eye on myself in hopes of breaking my habit. Instead, I found I already harbored a superficial version of myself.  

To the inceptive eye, I am a talkative, friendly, confident army brat that feeds into the military stereotype of getting married young and hurriedly. I’m that girl that moved across country for the man she loved, who makes feminist cringe because she hasn’t figured out her career yet.  

All along, I’ve carried this 2D perception of myself in my sub conscience. Although a part of me knows I am more than that, I have given weight to the potential (not actual) misperceptions others might make of me. This need to be liked and understood breeds a damaging insecurity that can be paralyzing. Not to mention, it hinders intimacy. Despite the truth that I am a strong, independent woman (I moved out to Seattle to start a life knowing that my fiance would be deployed), my story is overshadowed by my insecurity that people will overlook my character and see this untrue shadow of myself as the whole package. 

To overcome this detrimental habit, I must let go of my 2D image of myself. I need to have grace for myself, so I can regain confidence and abolish insecurity. That way, I can look at other people with the same grace and stop the unflattering proofs from ever becoming photographs. Intimacy is not microwavable, but it is achievable if we are wiling to put in the time and overlook that initial snapshot.