Today marks the half way point of Brance's (aka the fiancé's) deployment. Before now, the longest we've ever gone without seeing each other was 2 months- it's been 4.5 months since I've last cracked his thumb knuckles, smelled his rugged ACU's, or rubbed the short hair on his regulation haircut. I thought this moment would be more monumental- THE halfway point. But it feels like... he's still far from home. I notice his absence and I continue to feel out of control and uncertain. I'm continually trying to let things go. I can't control his safety. As he smiles at me over a pixilated connection on FaceTime, I always ask him to be safe. He always says "I'll try, baby." I jest and order him to do more than try, and he knows deep down it's not a joke. But he never changes his answer. He is a man of integrity and he knows, as much as he would like to, it is a promise he cannot make to me. His future is as uncertain as mine. In a lot of ways we are where we were 4.5 months ago, the unknown still hangs in the air and we are waiting for these moments to end. I plan a wedding praying he'll meet me at the alter. While some couples question whether marriage is the right choice for them, we wonder whether God will grant us this blessing in a broken world.
We still worry and wait, but we've also learned to hope. By emptying our hands of what we cannot control, we free ourselves from the responsibility of it. It is very difficult to carry the weight of power you do not actually possess- believe me I've been doing it for years. Only now am I learning to let go. Just one of many plastic necklaces I'm hoarding in my closet.
Things I've Learned During Brance's Deployment:
- I don't need him. I can survive without him BUT I want him, more than I've wanted anything in my life.
- I can parallel park- it just takes 3 attempts.
- In lieu of a man, cold feet can be remedied by fuzzy slippers.
- Is He safe? No. But He is good.
- I can tolerate football.
- It's important to show yourself grace.
- Being a good wife takes effort daily and a lot of prayer.
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